Managing Thanksgiving Family Dinners

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.   It is a time to get together with family and friends, for a relatively brief period of time, to contemplate the good things in our lives and to enjoy the company of those we love. It is a time to be genuinely thankful.  Even with the current emphasis on shopping, it remains, for many of us, a time to simply spend time with loved ones. And then, we go home, or they go home, and it is over until next year.

For many of us, however, family get-togethers can be difficult to navigate.  Oftentimes, there are old hurts and slights that can interfere with what should be an enjoyable day. Have you encountered any of these people on Thanksgiving?

The Talkative One, who dominates conversation, telling stories, making every topic about him/herself?

The Gassy Older Gentleman, who eats, belches (or worse), and turns on the football game while others are still visiting?  The louder the conversation gets, the louder the TV gets, in an endless cycle of increasing volume.

The Sullen One, who holds resentments for past injustices, real or imagined? Who may still be demanding an apology for something that happened a long time ago?

The Happy One, who brings a new partner to the occasion, even though the rest of the family has not gotten used to the end of the previous relationship?

The Judgmental One, who is usually critical of the Happy One, or anyone else who does not, at the moment, meet his/her standards for how life should be lived?

Or what about Buzz Kill, the person who finds some way to deflate others' joy and accomplishments?

Or the Comedian, who tells embarrassing stories or stories about others' prior relationships to the crowd, trying to elicit uncomfortable laughter?

There are many more. These are the ones I hear about after Thanksgiving.

Even though we cannot control these people, we can navigate through the day and still enjoy it, in spite of them.

First, we have to accept that we cannot change others. We control only ourselves. So adjust your idea of how family is supposed to interact, to accept that others may not be on the same page. Expect some discomfort. After all, a lot of these people know all about your most embarrassing moments anyway. And yes, they already talk behind your back, so take a "live and let live" approach and try to avoid reacting in a negative manner to comments by others.

Second, be forgiving. Let go of past slights and insults. Holding onto resentments only makes you bitter. It requires mental energy to be upset with others. Let them off the hook. Avoid them, if they can't learn to behave, but today, be kind, and allow people to change if they desire to do so.

Third, find something complimentary and kind to say to each person there. Make it a point to engage each person, if only for a second.

Fourth, ask others questions about themselves. Encourage them to talk.

Fifth, kindly suggest to those who talk too much, or who tell embarrassing stories to let others talk. Say something like, "I want to hear from Aunt Sarah", or something of the sort.  And don't react to stories about yourself, at least not on this day. Avoid explaining yourself. Just smile and let the moment pass. You can always address the story teller privately at a more appropriate time.

Finally, be yourself. You really don't have to impress anyone. Be honest, humble, and just be yourself. Remember, you are worth everyone's respect, just as you are. Let that be enough.

And keep the volume on the TV down!