Everyone knows that couples need to spend quality time together in order to build and maintain the bond that holds the relationship together. Over time, however, many couples find that their relationship begins to take a back seat to the demands of everyday life. The demands of career, parenting, running errands, and managing obligations can lead to a loss of time with each other. Even when couples spend time with each other, that time can often be filled with meeting other obligations, or sometimes, being so tired, that the "together time" can be stressful, or in some instances, boring. Needless to say, stress and boredom are not the ingredients for maintaining a healthy relationship.
The problem becomes readily apparent with couples who have children. Parenting can easily absorb any "free time" a couple may have. And why not? We love our children, and what can be more fulfilling that spending time with them? It becomes easy to overlook the fact that couples need to have time for themselves, as a unit of two, in order to maintain a fulfilling, meaningful relationship. Failure to spend time as a couple can lead to disillusionment with the relationship. Sometimes, relationships will end because couples lose sight of each other, even in the process of carrying out the responsibilities of being a family. More often, however, people will experience a low-grade aggravation, a sense of being neglected, and a sense of being unfulfilled in the relationship.
So what can we do about it? Planning "date nights" is one way to address the problem. Date nights are reserved for the couple only, to spend time together, in a relaxing or stimulating activity, so that the focus can be on each other, and not on everything else in the world. Sometimes, however, date nights are not very effective in enhancing the relationship, and can become, all by themselves, a source of frustration and disappointment.
I have worked with couples for over 30 years, and I have some suggestions about how to plan time together so that the time can be more interesting and more fulfilling, and hopefully, more beneficial in strengthening the bond in a relationship. My suggestions are not scientific. They are based upon my years of experience in treating couples, and observing how they spend their time together, and the results of their efforts. So, call it "together time", "date night", or whatever you wish, here are my thoughts on the matter.
First, let me address the major objection to planning time together, that I encounter in providing therapy. Many people object to planning time together, because they believe that planned experiences are somehow not as genuine as spontaneous ones. While most of us would prefer to be spontaneous, most of us also become so wrapped up in meeting the demands of life that we lose the ability to be spontaneous, or at least to be spontaneous as often as we would like. So, let's not throw spontaneity out the window, but let us also accept that planned experiences are valid, genuine, and important, particularly when life gets busy. Sometimes, planned experiences are all we have to work with .
Second, quality time does not require that one spend a lot of money. As a matter of fact, most of the time, quality time can be quite inexpensive. Having said that, sometimes it is important to spend some money for a special time together. It always amazes me how some individuals (usually male individuals) can become so unwilling to spend extra money for a couple's night out. Remember that a relationship is an investment. It is an investment in time, emotion, and effort. Occasionally, treat the relationship and your partner as if they are special. Invest in experiences that your partner will feel are extra special. It is an investment that will pay off in the long run.
There are four major things that are needed in order to strengthen our bonds through quality time: Interaction, Stimulation, Mild Exertion, and Mild Challenges. The first is obvious. In order to have quality time, couples should plan time that requires them to interact, to talk with each other. Movies are great, but by themselves, they offer little opportunity for the couple to interact. Plan an activity that requires a back and forth conversation, mutual acknowledgement, and an investment of attention in the other person. Watching a favorite television program is fine, as long as there is an opportunity to talk before, after, or during. If a couple prefers to stay home, perhaps preparing dinner together, playing a parlor game, or engaging in a mutually enjoyable hobby would fit the bill.
The time should be stimulating. This means that the time should be interesting . Sometimes, going for a walk, maybe in a different neighborhood or on the beach or in the park can provide enough stimulation. There is the activity itself, observation of the environment and people in it, and the opportunity to talk. It feels great to see an eagle in the sky or a dolphin in the water, and it is even more fun to share that experience with someone. Different people are stimulated by different things. The bottom line is that time spent together should provide the opportunity to share an experience. During the time together, each person should be observant and mindful of the world around them, so that the full benefit of the experience can be appreciated.
Couples with whom I have worked also seem to grow together when they engage in mild exertion. Mild exertion means something like walking, riding a bike, perhaps planting something in the yard or garden. Some people like greater exertion, and if both individuals agree, that can be fine. Usually, however, mild, pleasant exertion is sufficient. Remember, as you each put effort into your activity, you become more invested in it, even if you are not consciously aware of if. You can share in the effort involved in exertion and in a sense of accomplishment afterward. When an activity requires too much exertion, it may cease to be fun. So be careful. The idea is to have fun, and to be active enough to be stimulating, but not strenuous. Also, remember that together time is not necessarily competitive. Some people (again usually the guys) are so competitive that they can turn "mild exertion" into a competition. If you ride bikes together, stick together and go at a leisurely pace. If one person takes off at a pace that the other cannot keep, you stop having together time, and start having individual time. It becomes an exercise in selfishness. The same is true for "mental" exertion. If your activity is to do something that is mentally challenging, be sure to work together, at a similar pace, and avoid being so competitive that the activity stops being fun for the other person.
Some activities seem to exist for the purpose of triggering arguments . Be careful to choose activities that are conducive to working together or getting along . For example, going for a walk or a jog are activities that lend themselves to cooperative exertion. Paddling a two-person kayak or canoe, or wallpapering a bathroom are activities that lend themselves to frustration. Choose a form of exertion that each person can physically and mentally perform and enjoy.
Finally, mild challenges help to create stronger bonds. When we work together overcome challenges, we have the shared experience of being a team. Usually the challenge takes the form of exertion, so an activity that requires exertion would fit the bill. Going for a walk to a bar or restaurant a mile away is an example of an activity that involves the exertion of walking and the mild challenge of traveling a mile each way. Sometimes challenges are unplanned. Going for a walk and being caught in a light rain can be a mild challenge. It is inconvenient, but easily dealt with. Major challenges or adversity should be avoided if possible. Going for a walk and being caught in a thunderstorm, with lightning flashing all around is an example of a greater challenge. Sometimes, greater challenges/adversities can lead to behavior that is not conducive to building a bond. If possible, avoid these. If not, remember that the experience is all about building a bond through shared experience. Make sure that you have each other's back, and that you work together to overcome any obstacles.
Finally, communicate . If you love someone , tell them, even if you are not sure how they will respond. Talk about yourself, but listen to your partner. Ask meaningful questions. Pay attention to what they say. Notice them. Build them up. And once in a while, do something really special, because anyone who is willing to put up with another human being for a long period of time deserves something special once in a while.
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