Back in the 1980's, I heard Eddie Murphy tell a joke that I have not forgotten. I may not present it exactly as he told it, but this is close. If bad language offends you, skip the next three paragraphs.
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit together in the woods. The bear looked over at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit boasted, "I never have trouble with shit sticking to my fur".
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
I started thinking that many of us have felt like the rabbit at one time or another. We go through life, thinking that our relationship with someone is "safe" or "predictable", only to be shocked when we are taken advantage of. It seems to come out of the blue.
Yet, often, there are warning signs that we work hard to overlook or explain away. Warning signs do not necessarily predict disaster, but they do suggest the potential for it. It is important to look for and pay attention to warning signs, the "red flags", that are present in any relationship.
What should we pay attention to? Here are some obvious ones.
First, ask yourself honestly, whether the relationship is is "equal". Although no relationship is exactly equal, pay attention to the amount of "give and take" that goes both ways. It should go both ways, anyway. It may seem selfish to ask yourself whether you are getting as much out of a relationship as you give, but it is more realistic than selfish. You may not want to face up to whether you are giving as much as you take, but if you cannot stand to think about this, you know the answer already. Reciprocity is important in a relationship. We are all aware, whether we want to be or not, whether we get something back when we give to others.If a relationship is not balanced, with regard to reciprocity, it becomes a dependent relationship, and thus unfulfilling. Someone is eventually going to feel like the rabbit.
Second, observe how the other person interacts with others. This will give you an idea of how that person will interact with you, once the relationship gets to the "comfortable stage". A bear cannot ever be a rabbit, even if it learns to hop about and eat carrots. Sooner or later, the bear will behave like a bear. So, if the other person is dishonest with other people, you can expect dishonesty toward you. If the other person is aggressive without others, or rude, or dependent upon them, guess what? He or she will eventually be that way with you.
Third, look for little signs. Is this person honest with you about little things, like age, financial stability, exes, etc.? Is the person dependable, on time and following up on plans and promises, or is there always something that comes up to prevent plans from working out as promised?
Fourth, how do you feel around that person? Do you feel like you are a better person? Do you feel secure, or stronger, or protected? Get in touch with your own emotional reaction to being with that person. Does that person have your back? If you feel fearful around that person, you should forget the rest of this article, and run.
Finally, be honest about alcohol and substance consumption. For each of you.
I could do multiple therapy sessions on each one of these issues, and I could fill multiple pages with more types of red flags. But the bottom line is this: Be honest about not only yourself but the person you want to be in a relationship with. Don't go on your journey through the woods with someone, if you haven't paid attention to the red flags. Most of the time, red flags can be addressed satisfactorily. Remember, you deserve a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling for you. And, if you commit to someone, they deserve the same from you. Good Luck.
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