Cognitive Dissonance and Valentine's Day
Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that affects how we experience our relationships and it has implications for how we behave on Valentine's Day. Very simplistically, Cognitive Dissonance refers to the discomfort we feel when we experience two conflicting emotions, or when our behavior conflicts with our feelings or beliefs. When we feel that discomfort, we must find a way to relieve it, and we often do so by reframing the situation and explaining it to ourselves in such a way as to relieve the discomfort we feel.
For example, suppose I think of myself as a "good boss". Today, however, I harshly criticized one of my employees, to the point that she was in tears. This would create Cognitive Dissonance for me, because my harsh, uncaring behavior is inconsistent with my self-image as a "good guy". I might relieve my Cognitive Dissonance by reframing the situation, by deciding that my employee was egregiously in error, and that she deserved the harsh criticism I gave her. I would essentially "re-write" the incident in such a manner that my behavior would seem to be consistent with my self-image.
Cognitive Dissonance is quite powerful. It usually happens without us being aware of it. We can use it, in positive ways, to enhance our relationships. We can create positive emotions and expectations that we will then feel compelled to live up to, thus making our relationships stronger. This brings us to Valentine's Day, as well as other occasions, such as birthdays and anniversaries.
In couple's therapy, I often hear comments like, "We don't do anything for Valentine's Day. It doesn't mean anything". I also hear, "It's a commercial holiday. We love each other all the time, so there is no need to do anything special on Valentine's Day." These sentiments may be valid and true, but they do nothing to enhance our relationships. In fact, by honoring "special days", including Valentine's Day, we are doing much more than simply adhering to commercial holidays and traditions. We are actually strengthening our bonds and creating positive emotions and expectations in our relationships.
Honoring Valentine's Day, by giving a card or gift, accomplishes several things. First, the receiver is reminded that he/she is loved and appreciated. It is alwyas better to allow your loved one to feel acknowledged on a special day, than to leave him/her feeling forgotten or unacknowledged. The simple act of remembrance validates, for the receiver, that he/she is important. the thought process goes something like this: "He/she remembered me on this day. He/she must love me. I must be important."
Second, the giver will actually love a little more, simply by giving. the thought process goes like this: "I remembered to acknowledge her/him on Valentine's Day, so I must love her/him." Even if you do not believe in contrived holidays, you can strengthen your commitment and bond by acknowledging your loved one on Valentine's Day and other special days. By giving, you create the expectation that you will remember to validate your love, respect your loved one in traditional ways, and have your loved one's back. It creates an expectation for each of you, that you will communicate about your feelings for each other. Cognitive Dissonance ensures that you will work just a little harder to live up to those expectations and feelings. So use Valentine's Day and every other special occasion, to strengthen your relationship, a little more each time.
For men, especially, it is important to remember that the greater the effort you put into your acknowlegment of love, the stronger the effect will be for both of you. Cards and chocolates are great. They work. but when you try to go beyond that, to be creative in your expression of love, you will find a greater payoff in the long run. Use one of the most fundamental principles in psychology to enhance your relationship. Celebrate Valentine's Day.
